A Modern Interpretation of Everyman (the excerpt) Here beginneth a treatise about how God sent the IRS to summon a common taxpayer to come and list everything that the taxpayer may count as tax deductible. This basically sums up any good deeds the taxpayer (as a whole everyone) has committed, such as charity- Rewrite[Enter Sports Commentator]Sports Commentator. Hello out there from TV land, I’m here to give you a clue. By means of this exciting account, I promise you’ll enjoy it, too. Basically it’s a story, or a forecast or presentation, but anyway, it depicts the state, of our great conglomeration.
Of humans, and human affairs, and things we do every day. And the reigning state of human affairs, and how quickly they do decay. For the people have forgotten, their Christian and goodly ways. And instead sit at home and ponder, how exactly to spend their days. Their days of sin and gluttony, of indulgence and of cuckoldry.
The days which will fade away, and leave the signs of sin and of adultery. At any rate I promise the show will be a thing to remember and a good thing to retain, for it fortells of how God will judge us and our deeds, and the anguish and the pain. Of those who would not change their ways, to do well and to be kind. So once the show is over it would do you good to keep these events in mind [Cue Energetic Dance Music]Sports Commentator. LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!! HERE COMES GOD WITH SOME ACTION-PACKED HIGHLIGHTS!!! EVERYBODY, COME ON AND RAISE THE ROOF FOR GOD!!![Disco Call][Exit Sports Commentator.
Enter God]God. What in the Hell was that?[Dance music abruptly stops]God. Ya’ know, I see here,in all my splendor, how the people do not remember. The ways and methods of olden days, when they didn’t have so much personal grandeur. They’ve forgotten me, oh yes they have, and I don’t appreciate it one bit. Especially since I was the one, who created (and maintain) every bit of it.
I showed them my will when they crucified me, and I healed them even after. And now they don’t bother to recognize me, but instead mock me with their laughter. Which springs from their enjoyment, of all their earthly goods. Of their endorsement of the 7 worst sins, and their forever gluttonous moods. And even worse, if they are left to their sinful ways, the wars and hate that will follow will shorten the whole race’s days.
I wanted to be the model, for every man’s life. But I see now that I am as common as any man’s first wife. Sooooo, now I must make an example, to every man whom doesn’t care. I’ll threaten them with something that will give them all a scare. Death, no, they would merely laugh, but something even worse.
A force which controls them, and would relieve them of their fat, overgrown purse. Oh yes, I’ll show them something, just as sure as death, an agency of mine AND the devil that will audit them TO their very last breath.Where are you, oh IRS agent?[Enter IRS agent]IRS agent. Oh merciful God, I am here before you. How may I serve you, please tell me, I implore you.God. Go, audit Al L.
People, and show him, in my name, the task he will have to take, from which he may not possibly escape. And make sure he brings his balance books, and a list of ALL his charities. I doubt that it will take him long, since has not made many of these.IRS agent. Oh yes God, I will go, and search the world all over, for this Mr. People can’t be far, and when I find I’ll arrest him, and take away his car. And his house and boat any property, for which he has forsaken you.
Any man who lives pompously I will audit till he rues, the day he forgot your grace and stopped living by your law, and gave up being merciful and kindly, and ignored any of those in need whom he saw.[Enter Al L. People]Hey there he is, I bet he isn’t expecting, my approach or my audit, which soon I’ll be projectingHe’s thinkin’ about personal gain and how to advance himself, and how to expand his capital and double all of his wealth. Man, it’s gonna suck for that guy. Here goes EXCUSE ME, MR. PEOPLE! I hate to interrupt, but I couldn’t help but notice that your soul, er your estate, is so monstrously corrupt.Al L. People What did you say? What’s the matter? Who are you? I’ll have you know that I’m very busy, and not to bothered by some pencil-pushing geek, especially not one like you.IRS agent.
(Why doesn’t anyone like me? Why am I so rejected? Maybe I really am a geek, or maybe I’m infected ) I’m sorry sir, but its my duty to inform you of your condition. You see, I’m with God, oh yes, the Big Guy, and I am on a mission.Al L. People. Sure pal, you’re obviously insane. Here take a dollar, no, take five, and leave me alone again.IRS agent. Keep you money or burn it, for soon it will not matter.
I am with the IRS and as an agent, cannot be flattered. I’m here to examine your estate, your property and taxes. And audit whatever I deem necessary (let me first put on my glasses).Al L. People. Man This dork really is with God. And my life has not been spotless, and my good deeds well, they are basically very few.
What exactly is it that I need to send with you?IRS Agent. Ohhhh no you don’t, you’re coming with me too. God would like to be there when I smack your credit askew. And bring your list of good deeds, and hope that it is curious. ‘Cause if it isn’t buddy, well just hope that God isn’t too furious (he’s already pretty pissed).Al L. People.
Is there any chance of a longer wait? Maybe ten or fifteen years? Give just a bit more time, to stand out among my peers.IRS Agent. Not a second more you’ll get, not a minute to atone. Your deeds are recorded, good and bad, your actions set in stone. Now let’s go, before the Big Man gets tired of sitting alone.Al L. People.
Wait, that’s not fair, I have to face God with no company by my side? Please let me gather my friends and family, so that I won’t feel so terrified.IRS Agent. What the hell. If anyone you know would be so bold, as to face God by your side, then they may go with you at their own risk, as if they had themselves died. What, did you think your life was bought and paid for? Yeah right, Mr. People, I think not, verily not, what do you think you were made for.
Anything else but to follow God’s image, would be an outright lie. And liars burn in fire (hehe).Al L. People. Ok, ok, I see your point, you’ve made your message clear. Please, give me till tomorrow, and I swear to meet you here.IRS Agent. Nope, I can’t allow it.
Go now, or just forget it.Al L. People. Ok, ok, I’m gone. Later.IRS Agent. Hurry, buddy, or your lily-white butt is MINE.
Man, I love this IRS business. The absolute power is just, tremendous.Al goes and tries to gather Fraternity, Family, Kin, and Earthly Possessions. They all refuse to go, and politely excuse themselves. Al next appeals his Good Deeds (non- deductible and deductible), Intelligence and Common Sense, who leads him to Confession, then departs. Confession comforts him for a while.
Afterward, Al is met by Good Deeds, Intelligence, Loveliness, Might, Sensory, and Political Correctness. Each one leaves him, except Good Deeds and Intelligence, as he readies himself to die.Al L. People. Jesus, help me, everything’s left me? Everyone’s gone, forgot me bereft me!Good Deeds. Not quite, Mr. People, not everyone’s gone.
Your Good Deeds and Knowledge have yet stayed on. Well, Good Deeds at least, for Knowledge won’t stay long.Al L. People. What? No! Knowledge is leaving? Not quite yet Knowledge, give me help when I try deceiving (Death).Knowledge. Deceive Death? What? Have I already left? What a stupid thought! Especially considering the damage you’ve wrought! No, I won’t stay, for when Death arrives, my aid will not work, your mind will be fried. God is lookin’ for truth, not deception buddy.
You better hurry up, too.Al L People. Man, this sucks. Alright Good Deeds, my very last friend. Let us descend to that slow, bitter end.God have mercy, and sweet Mary too, (alas, I wish, I’d of changed to be Jew).Good Deeds. Ok, People, let’s make this hasty.By the way, you’ll turn pale, and your skin will feel pasty.Al L People.
That sounds pretty nasty, thanks. Ok Into your hands Lord, my soul I commend: Receive it Lord, that it not be lost. As you Redeemed, so me Defend, and save me from the fiend’s boast, That I may appear with that blessed host, that shall be saved on the Day of Judgement.[Al L. People and Good Deeds enter a Mausoleum]Knowledge. Now, what’s happened to Al will happen to all.
Good Deeds will aid Al in front of St. Peter. I think I know with whom Al will fall, Ah, yes, he did well on the Morality-Meter .Richard Nixon [within] Come on you good voter, welcome to the Holy Blue. By the way, were you living in 72′? Did I mention, I’m thinking of trying a Coup? A friend of mine tried it a while ago, but, where he lives now, I do not know. What’s your name again, son?[Enter Sports Commentator] Well, there ya’ have it folks, just a brief suggestion, to those of you out there whose Morals are in question.
Just remember, when you die, only one thing is actual, and that’s how you lived (the Lord knows what is factual). And keep in mind that once dead, you can’t help, the way you treated others and how you managed yourself. “And he that hath his account whole and sound, High in heaven he shall be crowned” (148). Now we’re gonna go to our man in the field, Emerson Bigguns, for some post-game highlights.Emerson. Definitely a lot of action today in the world. We had Al People, a normal, CONFRONTED out of NOWHERE by a powerful double-team, which was the IRS and GOD. Al really had some self-doubt harming him for a while, but once he confessed, he got his team together.
Unfortunately for, ALL WAS NOT WHAT IT SEEMED. All of his players LEFT HIM, because, to God, earthly things don’t matter! What a surprising God. In the end, though, Al pulled through Death and made a touchdown with some great passing action from his Good Deeds, another last-minute trade. An there ya’ have it, folks.[Fade in ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC].